– Sr Judith Yuen, fmm
I spent the honeymoon period in the pre-novitiate with peace of mind and joy in my heart, learning to adapt to religious life with its strictly organized timetable and ways (nearly 50 years ago, still pre-Vatican way!)
The hardest thing for me was complete silence. There was a place marked at the staircase to whisper to another sister when necessary, talking was not allowed at other places. We didn’t even look at each other when we met. I was horrified when I smiled at a sister I met and she gave no response. She was looking at the ground and bypassed me!
I started to think “Is that the way to live religious life? Where is the Franciscan joy and fraternal life I heard of?” Another thing that bordered me was not to ask questions or to express personal opinions, just to obey. That was very hard for me because I was accustomed to analyze, to organize and to do things in different ways. I heard of blind obedience and silence in religious life, but when it came to reality, I needed to convince myself to practice them in faith for the love of God.
Another difficulty was the language. All announcements and prayer were in French, the FMM official language those days. I did not learn any French before I entered, thinking I would have time to learn after entry.
Instead we, the three pre-novices, were given time to learn Mandarin which was the daily spoken language in Taiwan. I knew a bit of Mandarin but never learnt it properly. Our teacher was very responsible and serious, she would scold us whenever we made mistakes: we were all scared of her. Being a teacher myself, I felt her way was not the right way, the more she scolded us, the more we got nervous and made more mistakes, so the vicious circle went on, really disastrous, until one day we told her frankly we were afraid of her and she changed her attitude and way of teaching, thank God!
More trials came my way: Hsinchu, where the pre-novitiate was, is always windy in winter. I was not able to survive the weather and got sick. I became thin and weak. I was sent to the FMM community at the mountain place in Tili Tsun where the weather is better, for rest and recovery. It was a dark moment in my journey to follow the Lord. I could not see the way, not knowing where the Lord was leading me to… “How long do I need to stay? What will happen if my health is still not good?” All these questions kept running through my mind. I had nobody to seek for advice or to give me consolation, the Lord was pushing me to the corner so that I could only look for him.
I opened the Bible and turned to the book of Job. for the whole month I reflected on it, going into his misery and feelings. After struggling and wrestling with the Lord, like Job, I surrendered, bowed my head and said to the Lord, “You are God, you are the Lord, my life is in your hands.”
Trusting in his love for me, I let go of my fear and worries, I became a little stronger and I went out to visit the tribal people over the mountain with the parish priest.
Suddenly I was called back to the pre-novitiate. Upon arrival, I was asked to see the pre-novice mistress. Entering her room, I saw her holding a letter in her hand. I recognized my mother’s hand writing. My heart sank. The mistress told me my mother had written to the superior in Hong Kong and asked her to give her daughter back to her. The reason why my mother was looking desperately for me was that she had no news from me after I left Hong Kong for 6 months. She did not know my whereabouts and worried about my safety. All the letters I wrote her after entry, sent through Singapore (no mail could be sent directly from Taiwan to China those days), had not been sent to her. The sister who got my letters in Singapore, feeling that to send the letters for me was very complicated, sent back all the letters to me.
When I saw the pile of letters I wrote, I had a sudden black out and nearly collapsed. The pre-novice mistress supported me and told me to go to the chapel to pray. I don’t know how I managed to walk down the stairs and went to the chapel. I knelt in the dark, with tears streaming down my cheeks. I looked at the big cross in front of me and asked, “Lord, what do you want me to do?”
The Lord answered in a gentle but firm voice, “Go back to Hong Kong, the cross is waiting for you there.” The sentence was pronounced, I had no other choice but to pluck up my courage and go. (To be continued)
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